When I was little, one of the things I enjoyed the most was to go through my dad's English/Spanish dictionary and memorize new words. I was always fascinated by the concept of it: it was just like a regular dictionary, except... It translated stuff!
Now I have a new project: I will write my own dictionary in which, instead of Spanish, I will translate common phrases from a much more difficult language: the Female language.
Here are some examples:
Woman: I'm not that kind of girl.
English: I'm definitely that kind of girl; you just haven't said the magic word.
Woman: I'm going to Vegas this weekend.
English: I will be sucking a stranger's dick this weekend.
Woman: It's not you. It's me.
English: It's not you. It's some hot guy I met at the gym.
Woman: You're a really nice guy.
English: I wouldn't fuck you to save my life.
Woman: I'm leaving in an hour.
English: I'll start getting ready in ninety minutes. It will take me sixty minutes more to put on a dress that would require a normal person about twenty seconds to put on.
Woman: I'm single.
English: I'm sleeping with someone, but I don't tell anyone because it would make me lose the attention of all my other guy friends.
Woman: I have a boyfriend.
English: You're creepy.
Woman: My friends are coming with us tonight.
English: You're not getting any tonight.
Woman: Tell your friends to come with us tonight.
English: You're not getting any tonight, but maybe one of your friends will.
Woman: He's a friend.
English: He's a friend with a penis.
Woman: We're not having sex tonight.
English: We're definitely having sex tonight.
Woman: I'm not attracted to you.
English: I'm attracted to you; if I wasn't, I wouldn't even bother telling you.
Woman: I'm not attracted to you.
English: I'm attracted to you; if I wasn't, I wouldn't even bother telling you.
Woman: I'm really independent.
English: Nobody likes me.
Woman: Sassy.
English. Bitch.
Woman: Diva.
English: Bitch.
Woman: Feisty.
English: Bitch.
Woman: Twenty-something.
English: Twenty-nine.
Woman: Sassy.
English. Bitch.
Woman: Diva.
English: Bitch.
Woman: Feisty.
English: Bitch.
Woman: Twenty-something.
English: Twenty-nine.
Woman: Do I look good in this?
English: I am fishing for a compliment; once I get it, I will give you a hard time and be completely ungrateful about it.
Woman: I don't care how much money a guy makes.
English: So, anyway... How much do you make?
Woman: I've never done this before.
English: This is standard operating procedure for me.
Woman: I was a cheerleader in high school.
English: I was a slut in high school.
Woman: It's girls' night out!
English: I'm going out to meet other guys while you sleep alone.
Woman: I think we need to start seeing other people.
English: I already started seeing other people.
Woman: Let's grab coffee sometime.
English: Let's never have sex with each other.
Woman: I'm just calling to say hi!
English: I'm just calling to say I need a favor.
Woman: I want to be your wife.
English: I never want to work again.
LOL!!! As a female, I'd say this is true for 90% of the female population. Present company (mostly) excluded.
ReplyDeletehahah
And, as a male, I'd say this is true for 100% of the female population. Present company (mostly) excluded.
ReplyDeleteHa, I think there's a rare breed of women who usually say what they mean and mean what they say. Occasionally maybe there's a veiled comment but that's a rarity not a rule - and often times, men trying to read deeper into a surface comment causes more issues than these said rare breed women saying things with hidden meanings. At least in my personal experience :}
ReplyDeleteBut yes, besides the above exceptions, women are nuts.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteyou are such a douche...still.
ReplyDeleteLinked here from LA Idiot.
ReplyDeleteHilarious & awesome. I'm going to follow you now. And maybe stalk you. we'll see.
Fabulous post!
Oh, so YOU'RE the reason when I say "sorry, I have a boyfriend" I get called a bitch...! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteIn fact (this may seem groundbreaking,so brace yourself against something sturdy), I only say I have a boyfriend when I actually have a boyfriend.
Woman: I'm not that kind of girl.
English: [Okay you can keep your definition of this because I have never let those words pass my lips. Who the fuck says that?]
Woman: I'm going to Vegas this weekend.
English: I will be visiting strip clubs and passing out every night in a drunken haze. I may let a stripper lick my boobs. It will be fun.
Woman: It's not you. It's me.
English: It's you. It's you. IT'S SO YOU! You have sweaty hands, I'm sorry.
Woman: You're a really nice guy.
English: You're a really nice guy and I wouldn't fuck you to save my life because frankly, I have standards and one way or another you're not meeting them.
Woman: I'm leaving in an hour.
English: I'm going to be extremely fucking late. Deal with it or start dating men.
Woman: I'm single.
English: I'm single and I haven't had sex in ages. Chat me up.
Woman: I have a boyfriend.
English: I have a boyfriend.
Woman: My friends are coming with us tonight.
English: We can ditch them at midnight and go back to yours.
Woman: Tell your friends to come with us tonight.
English: I'm trying to play the "cool girlfriend" part, but really I just want to ditch them at midnight and go back to yours.
Woman: He's a friend.
English: He's a friend. He probably wants more but there's a reason he's a friend and not fucking me right now.
Woman: We're not having sex tonight.
English: I'm out of action. The best you're getting is a blow-job unless you don't mind getting your sheets bloody.
Woman: I'm not attracted to you.
English: I'm trying to be honest and let you down in a way that tells you in no uncertain terms that you will NEVER fuck me.
Woman: I'm really independent.
English: [Again: Who says this?]
Woman: Sassy.
English: [And this.]
Woman: Diva.
English: [And this. Are you hanging around schoolgirls?]
Woman: Feisty.
English: [I'm starting to think these are American adjectives.]
Woman: Twenty-something.
English: Twenty-four, in my case.
Woman: Do I look good in this?
English: I am fishing for a compliment. [Another thing I would NEVER say. Actually, if a girl says this just walk away.]
Woman: I don't care how much money a guy makes.
English: I am totally broke and don't want to look like a golddigger, so I hope you're just as poor as I am.
Woman: I've never done this before.
English: I've never done this before. I'm telling you just in case I'm shit at it.
Woman: I was a cheerleader in high school.
English: [We don't have cheerleaders.]
Woman: It's girls' night out!
English: It's girl's night out. I'll call you at 4am when I'm puking up against a tree.
Woman: I think we need to start seeing other people.
English: ...Because you are astonishingly stupid/bad in bed/controlling. Get out of my life.
Woman: Let's grab coffee sometime.
English: I'm trying to be polite here but I really don't care if I ever see you again.
Woman: I'm just calling to say hi!
English: I'm bored. out. of. my. mind.
Woman: I want to be your wife.
English: [No self-respecting woman would ever say this]