Bad Boyfriend vs. 50 Songs

A song from the first album you ever bought

I can't remember what the first album I bought was, because I've been buying records since I was a kid. However, I think the first CD I ever bought was We Can't Dance by Genesis, so... Let's go with "No Son Of Mine."

Your favourite single 

If by "single" you mean a song that was never released on an artist's album, I'd have to go with "Mull Of Kintyre" by Wings. Honorable mentions: "Holy Joe" by U2 and "Acquiesce" by Oasis. They weren't singles, but they were b-sides to singles. (This is complicated.)

Your favourite album track 

Confusing question. I'd go with "Live Forever" by Oasis (from Definitely Maybe), "Until The End Of The World" by U2 (from Achtung Baby) and "Why Do You Love Me" by Garbage (from Bleed Like Me).

A song by the first band/artist you saw live 

"Acelerar" by Timbiriche. So sue me. I was a kid growing up in Mexico in the 1980s.

A song from your childhood 

"Sing" by Carpenters. It took me many years to find out it was originally a song from Sesame Street.

A song by your favourite band/artist 

Besides the ones I've mentioned already... "Don't Look Back In Anger" by Oasis. One of the greatest live songs of all time, which he dedicated to "anyone of Mexican origin" when I saw them at the Hollywood Bowl.

A song that reminds you of a TV series

"Superhero" by Jane's Addiction, which is the theme song to Entourage and would also be a great theme song for my TV show.

Your most played song on iTunes 

"Hounds of Love" by The Futureheads, but this literally changes every week.
 
Favourite new release (has to be less than 2 months old) 

I don't think I have bought or listened to any music that has come out in the past two months. I'd recommend anything from the Scream 4 soundtrack, which came out in April or so.

An awesome driving track   

"The Power Of Love" by Huey Lewis & The News. Especially if you drive a DMC-12.

A song that reminds you of your best mate  

"Anna Begins" by Counting Crows.

A song that makes you laugh 

"Me Amo" by El Cuarteto De Nos.
 
The song that contains your favourite lyrics 

"Ultra Violet (Light My Way)" by U2. "There is a silence that comes to a house where no one can sleep."
 
A song off an album that has brilliant cover art   

"It's Still Rock And Roll To Me" from Billy Joel's Glass Houses.

Your favourite TV theme tune 

"Meet The Flintstones."
 
A song that reminds you of a holiday

"Baby It's Cold Outside" by Leon Redbone and Zooey Deschanel.
 
A song that makes you think of a family member 

"Perfect Day" by Lou Reed. My sister's wedding song.

A song you never get sick of hearing   

"American Girl" by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers.

A guilty pleasure 

"Gasolina" by Daddy Yankee


A song you can’t help but sing along to 

"Beat It" by Michael Jackson.

A song that reminds you of the person you love

"The Night Before" by The Beatles

A song you play when you want to relax  

"The End" by The Doors

A song you play before a night out

"Sympathy For The Devil" by Guns N' Roses

A song from a band/artist you’ve just ‘discovered’ 

"Run for Your Life" by 6 Day Riot.

A song off of the last album you bought/last track you downloaded

"Heartbeat" by The Detroit Cobras.

A song no one would expect you to love  

"Lat'n Party" by Kalimba.

A song you would sing at a karaoke night 

"(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones. (It's happened before.)

A song you love for its lyrics 

"For No One" by The Beatles.

A song you love for its video

"Let Forever Be" by The Chemical Brothers.

A song you've only recently started listening to

"I Put A Spell On You" by Screamin' Jay Hawkins.
 
A song from a band your best friend introduced to you 

"Van Nuys (Es Very Nice)" by Los Abandoned.
 
A song you've performed in front of people 

"Labios Jaguar" by Café Tacuba. I played it onstage with them.
 
A song from any artist you've been to see live 

"Hung Up" by Madonna.

A song from an artist you wish you could see live  

"Pretty Flowers" by Steve Martin.

A song you used to hate but now love

Anything from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.


A song from an artist a family member has introduced you to 

"Paula" by Zoé.

Your favourite Beatles song 

"Real Love" from Anthology 2, besides the ones I've mentioned already.

Your favourite cover of a song

"There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" by Noel Gallagher.
 
A song with a great video

Didn't we go over this already? Let's add The Beatles' "Free As A Bird."

A song that brings back amazing memories 

"Veneno Vil" by Fobia.

A song that brings back bad memories 

"You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse. (Both this one and the previous one remind me of the same person.)
 
Favourite song from the 80's

"Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson.
 
Favourite song from the 90's

Besides some I've mentioned already... "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam.

A song you play air guitar to

"Bad Boyfriend" by Garbage.

Your favourite acoustic version of a song

Nirvana's "About A Girl" from their MTV Unplugged album.
 
The first song you ever bought 

Just the song? I remember buying Michael Jackson's "Black Or White" as a single, but I can't remember what the first song I bought on iTunes was.

The only song you like by a band or an artist you otherwise hate 

"Brooklyn (Go Hard)" by Jay-Z.

Your favourite song at this time last year

I honestly can't remember.

Your favourite love song 

"(I'll Love You) Till The End Of The World" by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds.

Your favourite song of all time 

"Live Forever" by Oasis and "Until The End Of The World" by U2.

How I Saved Jeff's (Dating) Life

Dear friends,

The following is a true story. I haven't edited it one bit, not even for grammar or spelling. 

It's yet another example of how you should always act the exact opposite way of how women want you to act.

Enjoy.

-BB

As a lonely and nerdy virgin teen growing up on a cattle farm in the middle of the woods, I was always jealous of how easily some of the "preppier," more socially capable boys could wind up in relations with girls. Having gone through high school having never been kissed, constantly wishing and wondering how that illustrious, confident man portrayed in television and movies who always got the girl pulled it off. I wanted to escape myself and be someone else entirely all throughout high school, I just never figured out how to really go about this.

I graduated, still a virgin, still having never been kissed, going off to college in Arizona at a nerd-centric private school which was ninety percent male. Probably not the best place to get my bearings. Out there, I started to notice that I was one of the more normal people around, and surrounded myself with those who helped me improve myself; going to the gym to help bulk up my lanky frame, learning about the wonders of hard liquor and recreational substances, and starting some real interacting with the female race (and failing miserably) - I started to get a handle on myself and one drunken Facebook session in may of 2009 I managed to convince a sultry Arabic female to drive two hours across the state to spend the night in my cramped dorm, eating overcooked steak and fooling around on a bed far too small for an awkward nerd and a poor girl who was later traumatized by his roommates busting in and showing cumshot videos for the sake of comedy.

Needless to say, she drove another two hours by herself back across state, and I was still a sad virgin. After that minor catastrophe, there was the crazy biker, the ex-stripper, the nursing student, and a couple other awkward dates here and there. Nothing really came of it, but it was more of a learning experience than anything else, picking up tidbits of knowledge here and there.

It wasn't until meeting some crazy raving girl who I ended up sleeping with three hours after meeting up at Starbucks that the illustrious curse of my virginity left me, as Neil Patrick Harris in his classic role of Dr. Horrible watched in the background, in an odd twist of fate. 

That was the moment when it all pretty much went out the window, as far as any sense of normalcy is concerned.

Two weeks later I met a Chinese immigrant girl in the same place, and a week later after she grabbed my wrist and begged me not to cheat on her as I went home for break wound up starting a four month relationship with a foreign model, who was pretty much perfect, thick accent and all.

Regretfully, a combination of a family emergency, financial troubles, an existential crisis and watching any sort of future for myself go out the window wound up with me having to pick up my things and move out to Los Angeles to form any sort of career, and I wound up single in a new city without a single acquaintance, other than a certain @Bad_Boyfriend I was following on Twitter.

After a short while of getting settled in, almost winding up in a relationship with an Israeli girl who mailed me a physical V Card after the deed (two girls in a row I'd had to deal with this, mind you) and growing fed up with my dating life, I reached out to Bad Boyfriend.

Bad Boyfriend I came upon through someone else retweeting them, I started following, he RT'd a handful of my replies, then one day in frustration figured, what have I got to lose? I mean, my OkCupid profile was something I had on the side which wasn't really working out for me, and I figured if anyone, he could help. His name is Bad Boyfriend. That's not a title handed out to just anyone.

If I never have to deal with this again, I will die happy.

After going over my profile and suggesting several revisions, I took his advice and trimmed it down, giving my profile a serious rewrite, and good lord. Something happened. Something goddamn magical happened.

I suddenly had to set aside time to reply to messages. I got the pick of the litter, to understate how ridiculous things have become for me. Meeting multiple women in a single week, and I had hardly a single hang-up or disappointment.

Compare this to earlier, when I got:

-Crazy Israeli virgin girl

-Theatre major whose insanity I can't sum up in a sentence

-Theater major who did not realize she was fucking screaming into my ear about harry potter, of all things

-I won't even talk about the last one. Beyond words.

Now I'm dealing with:

-A real life "madame"

-Sultry black painter

-Foxy Mexican girl with a sweet innocent exterior, and a loud, kinky interior that practically put me in a state of shock and awe after this first time we had sex.

-another foxy Chinese girl

-grown men several years my senior asking me, a 20 something kid who grew up shoveling manure, for advice.

-A handful of other women I've yet to figure out just what to do with.

I had suddenly had my sex life revitalized after a single intervention from Bad Boyfriend, the culmination of months of self-improvement and getting sexually comfortable with oneself.

Oh, and this.

My roommate taking pictures of said profile, in awe.

Bad Boyfriend's generosity was the final step in helping me reinvent myself from lonely, awkward virgin nerd with no social skills to a modern day Don Juan whose had a total of two women refer to his sexual proficiency as "perfect."

To those out there who were like me - lonely, virgin and all, there's hope for you yet. It's a matter of wanting to change and working for it, not giving up just because of one, or two, or a hundred or so rejections. My journey took me a couple years, and honestly, I regret not a minute of it.

I end 2010 a far different man than the boy I was in January, an entire omnibus of adventures thanks to my willingness to change, and more importantly, the help of a few good men.

Katelynn Ansari vs. Committed Relationships

Here's a guest post from my friend Katelynn Ansari:

Dear Bad Boyfriend,

When you asked me to write an article for your blog about my cynicism towards relationships, I thought it would be a piece of cake and I’d know exactly what I’d write about. Well, here it goes, let’s start from square one and see where this entry ends up.

I’m a 21-year-old girl who thinks relationships are the biggest waste of time and I actively try to avoid them by over-scheduling my life and, most recently, deleting my Facebook account. I enjoy watching women chase after and pathetically hypothesize what their future will look like with a man who is clearly not interested in them. Or I like to stir the pot by playing devil's advocate in the annoyingly repetitive “does he really like me” conversations I hear every time I hang out with my girls. “Yes he likes you, no he doesn’t want to see you every night. This isn’t forever, just enjoy it while it lasts.” I personally hate this back-and-forth drama and worrying about the man I’d figuratively be in a relationship with; I’d rather be selfish and focus on myself and my well-being. I think my intelligence, a.k.a cynicism, all started after my first “true love” --yes, I learn quite quickly; one error and there are no more trials. I was probably the exact opposite of what I am now. I was head over heels and had hopes for the future. We dated for 3 years and he cheated on me. I initially blamed it on myself, wondering what I did wrong in the relationship. I did the typical: “Was I too clingy?” “What didn’t he like about my personality?” “Am I too fat?” Yes, I was that typical girl, wondering what traits led him to stray. I stupidly took him back regardless of the drama and dishonesty. We both had very different personalities at this point and had a casual relationship but the feelings quickly came back along with the reason we didn’t last. Then I realized, in order to succeed and not get hurt you must think like a guy. So I did just that for a few years. I overcompensated and was the biggest jerk for a while.  I truly apologize to the many guys I’ve hurt in that process --yeah there were quite a few whom I shamelessly used and abused (emotionally..not physically). Now I’ve found a great middle ground. I’ve had many epiphanies since then and now I can date like a pro. Here are my epiphanies:

-       Women: Monogamy may give you the emotional stability you desire, but that “flame” will inevitably fizzle out and one of you will stray. My bet is that your guy will do it before you.

-       While an exclusive relationship is great to brag about with your friends and flaunt on Facebook, take a look, does that person really make you 100% happy? I don’t think that a relationship with one person is right, especially at this age. I think that certain people bring certain positive and negative aspects to our lives, not just one person. So why not date a few people that bring something completely different to the table and enhance your life?

-       Ok, so he isn’t calling, texting, or wanting to hang out with you 24/7? It doesn’t mean he’s not interested, it means he’s busy, doesn’t view you as a main priority, and has guy friends. That’s a good thing. Take the hint and take up a hobby, preferably one that isn’t stalking his Facebook or spending his absence by constantly texting him.

-       Along that same subject, it’s 2010, not 1950. Being a doting, dependent housewife is plain annoying. Support yourself. With all the gold diggers out there, you’ll be considered one quite quickly if you don’t know how to pay your own bills… with your own money.

-       With every epiphany I write, I gain another. Ok, so it still isn’t 1950. Chivalry was required when a woman had the house spic and span and had an awesome meal prepared for her man in a timely manner after he got off work. My point? Society changed. Don’t expect a man to be chivalrous just because you’re female… Unless you plan on cooking and cleaning and offering up your independence. Notice the little things he does for you and accept them.

-       Men don’t change. Stop being attracted to a relationship that you plan on “fixing.” I’d never change for anyone, so why should he change for you? You aren’t as “unique” as you may think. On that same note, don’t take somebody back once they tossed you to the curb. You’re probably just being used as a filler for whatever reason and the same reason will apply when you’re kicked to the curb again. You surely won’t catch me rifling through the local Salvation Army because I ‘accidentally’ donated clothes that I wanted back. It doesn’t work that way. Once you’ve decided you don’t want it anymore, you’ll never really want it back.

-       Finally, I’ve realized I’m 21 and unfortunately I may live until I’m 95 years old. That’s plenty of time to think about the ‘M’ word. I prefer to think of the men I bring into my life as memories, not marriage material. I know they won’t be “the one” (I’m not quite sure if I even believe in that cliché). So with that, I enjoy the time I spend with the guy, live in the moment, laugh lots, and if you’re feelin’ it…do the dirty. You only live once. Don’t try and trap him into being a long term, monogamous relationship. It won’t last. Have you seen the divorce rate lately? Relationships are about in-the-moment happiness.


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Bad Boyfriend vs. Grandma

When I was very little, my parents went on a trip somewhere and left me in the care of my paternal grandparents. I must've been three or four years old. My grandma cooked something for me, and I spit it right back on the plate. "I don't like canned vegetables," I told her. "If you want to feed me, they have to be fresh, like my mother's." The first thing she did when my parents came back was telling them that I could never stay with her again.

For the most part, my father's family never approved of his relationship with my mother and, even after thirty-five years together, they still think there's hope he will leave her for another woman. As a result, we were never very close to them, but my dad always made an effort to change this situation. Every year we would dress up and spend Christmas Eve at one of my aunt's house, where my sisters and I would get the same generic sweaters we got the previous year while the rest of my cousins got leather jackets, expensive watches, and longer-lasting hugs. My grandma was the one who always kept us all together, and the main reason why we even went there. She would use her money --which wasn't a lot --to buy presents for each family member; her granddaughters would get a pocket mirror or something similar to that, while us grandsons would get either socks, a keychain, or a little leather coin purse. Exactly two years ago, the last time I ever saw her, I bought her a Calvin Klein coin purse that also had a keyring on it; she loved it, but I think she failed to get the joke.

As I got older, she would always give me a hard time for being one of only two of her grandkids --out of fourteen of us --who wasn't married or at least in a committed relationship. I told her this proved I was, indeed, her smartest grandchild. She always scoffed and told me I should find myself "a good woman". I don't know what she meant by that. Women who come into our family are always treated like dirt: my mother, my uncle's three wives, and all of my cousin's girlfriends and wives have been through Hell. This is a very sharp contrast with the men who come into the family: my aunts' and cousins' husbands are treated like royalty. Being a dude who marries into my family is one of the sweetest gigs a man could possible hope for.

When I moved to Mexico City on my own at age 16 I would visit her almost every weekend, mostly to do my laundry. It was a very long trip that I can't remember ever making; I just remember getting there with my red and black duffel bag full of clothes which would promptly go in her washing machine. One time she took a Kermit The Frog t-shirt I owned and bleached it "to restore it to its pristine white color". She said:

-Your mother never taught you how to wash clothes. That shirt was all dirty. It took me an hour, but I washed the dirt away. Now keep it that way.

My grandma almost fainted when I told her the shirt was supposed to look like that: it was beige, not white. I embarrassed her.

The t-shirt had been a present from my best friend. Now they're both dead: my friend died on New Year's Day, 1999, and my grandmother died a few hours ago, on Christmas Eve 2010. It was going to be the very first Christmas that all her kids didn't spend together due to illness and ongoing tensions between them. I don't think it was a coincidence; maybe she just figured she didn't have a job to do here anymore.

Rest in peace, abuelita. I already miss not having someone to mess with at family functions, and you raised the greatest man I've ever known. Say hi to my grandpa for me.

 

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Bad Boyfriend vs. The Proust Questionnaire

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Playing with my niece and making her laugh.

What is your greatest fear?
Dogs, horses, and failure.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I'll answer that on my deathbed when I've figured out what I did with my life, exactly.

Which living person do you most admire?
David Geffen.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Procrastination.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Bad driving skills.

What is your greatest extravagance?
I once went all the way to Bristol, England, just to buy a Zippo lighter.

What is your favorite journey?
Europe, 2005.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Frugality.

On what occasion do you lie?
When asked the question "does this make me look fat?".

Which living person do you most despise?
It's a tie between Gloria Allred and Gloria Steinem.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My niece, my parents, my sisters, my cousins, and myself.

When and where were you happiest?
Eating cold French fries in a cheap motel room with a Welsh girl whom I will never forget.

Which talent would you most like to have?
I already have plenty of talents; anything else would be greed.

What is your current state of mind?
Desperate, but optimistic.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
The fact that they live in a different country.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Staying in the USA for as long as I have.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A woman, just to teach me a lesson.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
A shark.

Where would you like to live?
New York, London, or San Diego.

What is your favorite occupation?
Watching movies.

What is your most marked characteristic?
Irreverence.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Integrity.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Intelligence.

What do you most value in your friends?
The inexplicable ability to put up with me.

Who are your favorite writers?
Steve Martin, Nick Hornby, Alan Moore.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Batman.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Immigrants.

What are your favorite names?
Andrea, Aurora, Alejandra.

What is it that you most dislike?
Political correctness.

How would you like to die?
Who the fuck says I want to die?!

What is your motto?
"Make money, not war."

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Bad Boyfriend vs. Dating On Facebook

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Back when I was a high school student in Mexico City --this was over ten years ago, for those of you wondering --having Internet access at home was considered a status symbol. It was expensive and not readily available in many areas, which meant that meeting a girl in a chat room --remember those? --was the ultimate prize for most guys my age. The logic was:

The girl can afford a computer < can afford Internet access < is probably rich < is probably hot because rich men marry good-looking women and usually have good-looking daughters.

Most people who trolled chat rooms didn't have pictures of themselves --scanners were rare, and digital cameras were even harder to come across --so all one could do was to hope for the best when the inevitable first (and blind) date happened. Thankfully, our twisted logic was right in several cases, and one just needed to say "I met the girl online" when describing a weekend fling to elicit approving nods from other males in the group.

Now, everyone has Internet access, and most of us have a large chunk of our lives plastered across the web. Forget about having a picture or not: we have dozens of albums on whatever social network we're using this year, dedicated to everything from our drunken green-tinted St. Patrick's Day rampages to what our grandmothers made for us for Christmas. It's not uncommon for people to fall in love online --one out of five relationships in the USA start like this --and it's very likely for people to want to be Facebook friends with someone they started dating, possibly even before the first date occurs. In fact, you could say that becoming someone's friend on Facebook counts as a de facto first date: you get to find out what they like, what they look like on their best days, what their relationship with their parents is... Hey, if you're lucky, you'll find pictures of the chick in her underwear, which would be the 21st century way of getting to first base.

My advice: don't do it.

I have a cardinal rule when it comes to relationships (of any kind, not only romantic) that happen online: I don't let them cross over to the real world. Talking with someone online usually carries a flirtatious and seemingly  innocent connotation that will only turn awkward when meeting in real life. I've had too many bad experiences to count here, but now my decision is final: if I met you online, I won't meet you in person. Not even if you're really hot. Especially if you're really hot, actually. Furthermore, when I start dating someone, I try to avoid becoming Facebook friends or following each other on Twitter for as long as I can pull it off.

Women --particularly young women, the kind I like --value their online activities way too much these days. My latest ex-girlfriend and I would have minor arguments about what I was and wasn't allowed to post on her wall or whether I could retweet something she said or not. Can you imagine saying something like this ten years ago? Ironically (or not, considering we met on Twitter) her online activities (and sometimes lack thereof) where what made me suspect (and, later, confirm) our relationship was in trouble. More on that in a second.

I've put together a few rules for you to handle your woman when it comes to online interactions. Like I said, you should pretend you don't have a Facebook account at all --when first meeting the girl, look her up and then block her ass --but if you're busted or you still want to add her to see what she is up to, take my advice.

1. Girls always have something to hide, especially attractive girls. (And I'd like to think that my students only talk to attractive women; ugly chicks only exist for extreme cases when we need something.) If she is hiding something, avoid any sort of serious attempt to have a relationship with her. The two most common things that women will hide are their tagged pictures and their relationship status. If one is missing, bump her to the "booty call" section of your mental black book; if both are, she should immediately be demoted to "shady whore" right away.

Remember the ex I mentioned? Once, right before we broke up, she went to a party with her friends one weekend, but not a single tagged picture of it appeared online. This made me suspicious. Girls love taking pictures and the first thing they always do when they come home from a night out is to upload them. Mysteriously, neither she nor any of her friends did so. The fact that she clearly asked her friends not to tag her in anything so I wouldn't know what she did was precisely what made me think that she did something. The same applies when you see her number of friends go up but you don't see any of her new "friendships" on her wall. She's hiding something. Women are always hiding something.

2. Does she get a lot of comments from dudes? More important: does she delete comments from dudes? Hot chicks will want their stock to remain high among males in case they need a favor or just some good old attention; and trust me: women always need a favor or some good old attention. If she deletes something you said, it means two things: she sees you as a potential sexual partner --if you were just a buddy, she wouldn't care about what you said --and she also doesn't want other people to know she sees you as a potential sexual partner. And by "other people" I mean "the other dudes she's banging" and "her stupid, gossiping girlfriends".

3. What does her profile picture say? If she's alone in all, there's a good chance she's extremely full of herself. High maintenance = not good. If she's with her friends, on the other hand, she may not be the hottest one in the group. (This is particularly important to remember when you are going through her profile before the first date.) The perfect balance is when a girl looks good on her profile picture but it doesn't look like a headshot. Is it a candid picture where she looks good, or is she clearly mugging for the camera?

4. If you're talking on Facebook Chat, she should be the last one to say something. This should be obvious to anyone who knows the basics of talking to any woman. Don't be a dick, but don't sound too interested either. If she doesn't make the first move --a lot of girls will just stare at the chat menu, hoping to be approached first --you should always pretend you just realized she was online (without apologizing for it). Another great tactic is to just start talking to a girl without greeting her, as if the conversation were already in progress. Be aloof. Girls don't like it when you pay too much attention to them, even if they act like it.

5. Avoid leaving any sort of picture comments, especially if they include compliments. I cannot stress this enough. Every time you say "you look good" is a giant leap you are taking away from her pants. If anything, your comments should be playful/mildly insulting, but still sparse.

These are my rules. What are yours?

The Bad Boyfriend Dicktionary

When I was little, one of the things I enjoyed the most was to go through my dad's English/Spanish dictionary and memorize new words. I was always fascinated by the concept of it: it was just like a regular dictionary, except... It translated stuff!

Now I have a new project: I will write my own dictionary in which, instead of Spanish, I will translate common phrases from a much more difficult language: the Female language.

Here are some examples:

Woman: I'm not that kind of girl.

English: I'm definitely that kind of girl; you just haven't said the magic word.

Woman: I'm going to Vegas this weekend.

English: I will be sucking a stranger's dick this weekend.

Woman: It's not you. It's me.

English: It's not you. It's some hot guy I met at the gym.

Woman: You're a really nice guy.

English: I wouldn't fuck you to save my life.

Woman: I'm leaving in an hour.

English: I'll start getting ready in ninety minutes. It will take me sixty minutes more to put on a dress that would require a normal person about twenty seconds to put on.

Woman: I'm single.

English: I'm sleeping with someone, but I don't tell anyone because it would make me lose the attention of all my other guy friends.

Woman: I have a boyfriend.

English: You're creepy.

Woman: My friends are coming with us tonight.

English: You're not getting any tonight.

Woman: Tell your friends to come with us tonight.

English: You're not getting any tonight, but maybe one of your friends will.

Woman: He's a friend.

English: He's a friend with a penis.

Woman: We're not having sex tonight.

English: We're definitely having sex tonight.

Woman: I'm not attracted to you.
English: I'm attracted to you; if I wasn't, I wouldn't even bother telling you.

Woman: I'm really independent.

English: Nobody likes me.

Woman: Sassy.
English. Bitch.

Woman: Diva.
English: Bitch.


Woman: Feisty.
English: Bitch.


Woman: Twenty-something.
English: Twenty-nine.

Woman: Do I look good in this?

English: I am fishing for a compliment; once I get it, I will give you a hard time and be completely ungrateful about it.

Woman: I don't care how much money a guy makes.

English: So, anyway... How much do you make?

Woman: I've never done this before.

English: This is standard operating procedure for me.

Woman: I was a cheerleader in high school.

English: I was a slut in high school.

Woman: It's girls' night out!

English: I'm going out to meet other guys while you sleep alone.

Woman: I think we need to start seeing other people.

English: I already started seeing other people.

Woman: Let's grab coffee sometime.

English: Let's never have sex with each other.

Woman: I'm just calling to say hi!

English: I'm just calling to say I need a favor.

Woman: I want to be your wife.

English: I never want to work again.

Dating Tips

• Relationships are about mutual respect. Guys: don't fart, burp, or pick your nose in front of your girlfriends. Don't look at other women while you're with them. Always call them back and make them feel beautiful. Girls: don't turn 30.
• Girls: don't have sex with a guy right after you meet him, because he won't take you seriously if you do. Always wait at least an hour.
• Never date a girl who went to private school. Never marry a woman who went to public school.
• When a woman gets married, you have to wait at least 18 months to start hitting on her again.
• The only woman in the world who is out of your league is the Queen of England.
• Teasing is cute... For about five minutes. After that, it's really obnoxious.
• Webcams are for stripping. Nobody wants to see you type.
• Remember: e-mail is for geeks and pedophiles. If you like each other, pick up the phone and talk.
• Sending flowers to a girl during courtship is never a good idea. Save them for apologizing for when you sleep with her sister.
• Women who say they want a guy who will make them laugh are lying. How many would choose Jack Black over Johnny Depp?
• On that note, when a woman says she wants a "caring, romantic gentleman" she really means "a rich asshole full of tattoos."
• Women love guys who can play a musical instrument. Go buy a harpsichord right now.
• Girls are not as complicated as you'd think. They all want the same basic things: love, respect, and your money.
• On the first date, avoid talking about difficult subjects such as religion, politics, and your real name.
• The best way of ruining a perfectly good relationship is to move in together.
• When a girl posts nice stuff about you online and then deletes it, it's her very "high school" way of telling you that she wants you.
• Never spend more than $40 on a date. That's more than enough to get her really drunk.
• "I have a boyfriend" should mean nothing to you, especially if the girl is under 25. They won't be together for long, anyway.
• Girls: If you want to be "just friends" with a guy, then treat him as an actual friend.
• Best marriage advice: Don't get married.
• Almost anything you do will be forgiven if you're really good in bed.
• If you're sleeping with someone but your online relationship status is still "single," at least one of you is getting played.
• My advice for women: Always make the guy pay for everything. My advice for men: Never pay for anything, don't buy her attention. Enjoy.
• Be a gentleman. Always hold the door open for women, especially when you're kicking them out at 3 a.m.
• People who won't shut up about how happy they are being single are usually not very happy being single.
• Guys who post inspiring quotes online are not trying to change anyone's life. They're just trying to get laid.
• Stop torturing yourself by doing things that remind you of your ex-girlfriend. These may include staying up to watch the sunrise, eating at her favorite restaurant, and acting like a stupid whore.
• There are two kinds of women in the world: women who like to have sex, and women who like to fly. When was the last time you saw a flying woman?