Dating Tips

• Relationships are about mutual respect. Guys: don't fart, burp, or pick your nose in front of your girlfriends. Don't look at other women while you're with them. Always call them back and make them feel beautiful. Girls: don't turn 30.
• Girls: don't have sex with a guy right after you meet him, because he won't take you seriously if you do. Always wait at least an hour.
• Never date a girl who went to private school. Never marry a woman who went to public school.
• When a woman gets married, you have to wait at least 18 months to start hitting on her again.
• The only woman in the world who is out of your league is the Queen of England.
• Teasing is cute... For about five minutes. After that, it's really obnoxious.
• Webcams are for stripping. Nobody wants to see you type.
• Remember: e-mail is for geeks and pedophiles. If you like each other, pick up the phone and talk.
• Sending flowers to a girl during courtship is never a good idea. Save them for apologizing for when you sleep with her sister.
• Women who say they want a guy who will make them laugh are lying. How many would choose Jack Black over Johnny Depp?
• On that note, when a woman says she wants a "caring, romantic gentleman" she really means "a rich asshole full of tattoos."
• Women love guys who can play a musical instrument. Go buy a harpsichord right now.
• Girls are not as complicated as you'd think. They all want the same basic things: love, respect, and your money.
• On the first date, avoid talking about difficult subjects such as religion, politics, and your real name.
• The best way of ruining a perfectly good relationship is to move in together.
• When a girl posts nice stuff about you online and then deletes it, it's her very "high school" way of telling you that she wants you.
• Never spend more than $40 on a date. That's more than enough to get her really drunk.
• "I have a boyfriend" should mean nothing to you, especially if the girl is under 25. They won't be together for long, anyway.
• Girls: If you want to be "just friends" with a guy, then treat him as an actual friend.
• Best marriage advice: Don't get married.
• Almost anything you do will be forgiven if you're really good in bed.
• If you're sleeping with someone but your online relationship status is still "single," at least one of you is getting played.
• My advice for women: Always make the guy pay for everything. My advice for men: Never pay for anything, don't buy her attention. Enjoy.
• Be a gentleman. Always hold the door open for women, especially when you're kicking them out at 3 a.m.
• People who won't shut up about how happy they are being single are usually not very happy being single.
• Guys who post inspiring quotes online are not trying to change anyone's life. They're just trying to get laid.
• Stop torturing yourself by doing things that remind you of your ex-girlfriend. These may include staying up to watch the sunrise, eating at her favorite restaurant, and acting like a stupid whore.
• There are two kinds of women in the world: women who like to have sex, and women who like to fly. When was the last time you saw a flying woman?